Trying to get my act together...

I've managed to find and pick up some of the pieces. Some of the pieces are powder though, I don't know if I will ever be whole again, but I will try. I've even managed to glue a few back together, but the glue feels weak.  I am trying to find my independence. Trying to find out who I am. Trying to find my motivation. I am finding some, and by most any standard I have an absolutely amazing life now.

It just seems to have lost all colour. All of the flavour is gone. Life is a grind. I love what I do for work, OL has so many amazing opportunities right now, there is a publisher for the novel, and a second book project in the works, I am building rocket engines(!), an outpost, a suit, there is an amazing woman that loves me more than any one ever has, and certainly more than I deserve, but there she is. I hope I don't scare her away like the last done. I hope I don't screw up any of the other great opportunities I have open to me, but I fear...

And I fear for my faith. My current pastor has done so much damage, has so totally mis-handled my situation that he has blown me out of his church, and I hope not out of the Church... This has been such a devastating time in my life, and I just don't feel it, and as best as I can tell, have not even once through this trial. This saddens me...

I am picking up the pieces, one or two at a time, trying to make them fit together, wondering how many are gone forever, wondering how many of them were good for me or would not serve me well. Wondering how or if I will ever fill the holes left behind, wondering if life will ever have flavour or colour again.

And I keep walking. I hope I'm on the right path, it seemed so clear before, and it was probably wrong.

And I keep walking, hoping the new, cloudier path I'm Kk is the the right one for me.

And I keep walking...

Something Cathartic - You don't want to read this.

I Tried to warn you. Really, this won't be fun.

I am going through a very difficult time in my life. I really don't have many people to talk to, so I'm going to talk to me. Here.

There is a dark shadow, a heavy weight on my shoulders. I am doing what I need to, but I don't really know why. The world is dark, painful. I have much to do. I have to change everything about my life. Everything, Even the tiniest bits. I get to keep my name and my skill, and nothing else.

There is much growing to do. There is much pain, a lot of damage to heal, and some fat to excise. There is negative to remove from my life. I'd rather not, but it seems that I have to.

I will do what I have to, for me, because I need to, for me.

I'm tired of rejection, especially from those who claim to be on my side. Of giving all, and getting rejected and abused. I'm tired of losing.

I will win. I will move on, I will become better than what I was.

I just don't know why I should bother.

A thought on how to live life -

Come as you are, do what you must, be who you will.

Love always.

Another normal sunset.

Comments on Vista

Vista is like a whore. Very pretty and exciting on the outside, but you really do not want to find out what evil lies inside...

On the Italian Passion

Italians love with a passion that they can't write just a song, It takes an opera...
They hate with a fire that makes the Sun look weak and the world is afraid.
And they can switch as fast as they can say it.
They can hate for so long that it takes generations.
and they can forgive on a whim and forget it forever...
Whatever they feel, they feel with their entire soul, completely, without reservation, without moderation.
And they love...

Paul G Graham, On the Italian Passion