I've managed to find and pick up some of the pieces. Some of the pieces are powder though, I don't know if I will ever be whole again, but I will try. I've even managed to glue a few back together, but the glue feels weak. I am trying to find my independence. Trying to find out who I am. Trying to find my motivation. I am finding some, and by most any standard I have an absolutely amazing life now.
It just seems to have lost all colour. All of the flavour is gone. Life is a grind. I love what I do for work, OL has so many amazing opportunities right now, there is a publisher for the novel, and a second book project in the works, I am building rocket engines(!), an outpost, a suit, there is an amazing woman that loves me more than any one ever has, and certainly more than I deserve, but there she is. I hope I don't scare her away like the last done. I hope I don't screw up any of the other great opportunities I have open to me, but I fear...
And I fear for my faith. My current pastor has done so much damage, has so totally mis-handled my situation that he has blown me out of his church, and I hope not out of the Church... This has been such a devastating time in my life, and I just don't feel it, and as best as I can tell, have not even once through this trial. This saddens me...
I am picking up the pieces, one or two at a time, trying to make them fit together, wondering how many are gone forever, wondering how many of them were good for me or would not serve me well. Wondering how or if I will ever fill the holes left behind, wondering if life will ever have flavour or colour again.
And I keep walking. I hope I'm on the right path, it seemed so clear before, and it was probably wrong.
And I keep walking, hoping the new, cloudier path I'm Kk is the the right one for me.
And I keep walking...
