Something Cathartic - You don't want to read this.

I Tried to warn you. Really, this won't be fun.

I am going through a very difficult time in my life. I really don't have many people to talk to, so I'm going to talk to me. Here.

There is a dark shadow, a heavy weight on my shoulders. I am doing what I need to, but I don't really know why. The world is dark, painful. I have much to do. I have to change everything about my life. Everything, Even the tiniest bits. I get to keep my name and my skill, and nothing else.

There is much growing to do. There is much pain, a lot of damage to heal, and some fat to excise. There is negative to remove from my life. I'd rather not, but it seems that I have to.

I will do what I have to, for me, because I need to, for me.

I'm tired of rejection, especially from those who claim to be on my side. Of giving all, and getting rejected and abused. I'm tired of losing.

I will win. I will move on, I will become better than what I was.

I just don't know why I should bother.

Wow - It's been a while...

Wow, It's been a while. Last time I looked at this I was kind of upset, And I didn't like the interface as much. I should look at it some more though. It looks like the interface has made an improvement.

OK, Not promising anything, OpenLuna has been eating my life up, But I am going to try to get some more time in here very soon... (And remember how to use my BlackBerry for this.)

A thought on how to live life -

Come as you are, do what you must, be who you will.

Love always.

The problem with most volunteer orgs.

Here is an excerpt of a chat I had with a couple people about the state of volunteerism, and what to do to about it? I have removed all names except for the people and group they represent. (SEDS Canada.) I also removed a few innanities.

I'll put all of the important parts together in a later post, but for now, here is the entire conversation.

seds canada has joined.

Stefan De Young has joined.

Seds: go ahead,stefan, care to explain to paul in a nutshell how you are feeling?

you want guidance from inspired experienced people?

you want to do awesome things, but you need a direction?

Stefan De Young: What I was looking for, when I joined SEDS, was a path to the stars, what I found was another organisation in search of that same path

this leaves me frustrated

for the past three years, I have guided a group of highschool friends to try and find the path

when I left highschool, I thought I could find someone to guide me

seds: ok... seds canada may be another organization in search of that same path,

but the difference between it and other organizations is that we have people like bob supporting us when we ask for it.

Stefan De Young: I'm frustrated that when I was looking for someone to write me a strategic plan, SEDS asked me to write it for them

Stefan De Young: that's the gist

seds: well, you can feel some solace... shawna has now taken the plan, and is doing some pretty awesome things with it...

but I want to be sure you appreciate how much you -have- contributed!

me: All volunteer orgs are going to be looking for talent. To add to that, there really is no "Right path to the stars". Just the one that will work for you. (The resources and talent you have available.) So, If someone starts to suggest a better what, Volunteer orgs will grab that and run

seds: stefan -what I recommend you do is get involved in paul's project (OpenLuna) for a while, until shawna finishes her re-write of the plan.

Stefan De Young: hmm

seds: his is the team that will actually get you to the stars

Stefan De Young: hold on a sec, though

seds: what seds will be doing is helping him put together that team.

Stefan De Young: I need to tell you what irks me the most about my involvement with SEDS

seds:

Stefan De Young: the thing that has brought me the most troubled thoughts is this:

when I drafted a framework for the Strategic Plan, I asked the more experienced exec to write in the actual goals of the organisation

I waited a week

then two

and finally, I gave up waiting for the people who had been there longer than I, that period being anything longer than three weeks

I drafted the goals for SEDS Canada

I drafted five years worth of goals

I look at the most recent version of the Strategic Plan, and all of the goals I drafted are there

nearly verbatim

I felt and feel that when I joined the executive of the National Student Space Coalition

that there should already be some sense of what we were there to do, so that when I asked for the goals, any one of the exec could have told me what we were doing

anyways

that's what bugged me

that I had to set up the goals

me: reading this, then leaving.

seds: the goal of seds Canada has always been to build a national student space network.

the seconary goals that that would help achieve are many and varied,

and the steps to setting that up could also be considered many and varied.

I don't remember the weeks long waiting period you mention, though I have no coubt it happened.

seds: all I can do is appologis for if we let you down.

Stefan De Young: maybe I just joined at the wrong time...I know that I need structure to work effectively, maybe I should wait until SEDS can provide me with that structure to pitch in and do my bit

seds: it may have been that we were very busy, or depressed, or anything...

actually, at that point, shawna was not with us, and I think nasim and adytia were working on the summit already?

not sure what john was up to...

so the fact that you got nothing from them is understandable...

Stefan De Young: I don't think I've even met Adytia or Nasim...

seds: for my part, it is not un-usual for me to start something, then wait three weeks before finishing it.

Stefan De Young: to me, they're only names

I guess we subscribe to different work philosophies

seds: you need to come to the summit in November at Mcgill.

if you can't afford it, we will get money from bob.

but you need to come.

you have earned it.

put it this way.

when I got involved in seds, there was even less there than there is now!

there was Melissa, and a bunch of other people.

and Bob...

and Clara..

we essentially build the organization up from scratch!

there was no constitution, no website, no proposal,

no bank account, nothing!

there weren't any other executives either!

for the first year it was just sasha and zhara and me... and some other people online, like scott moon, and

Ryan Kobrick...

none of these people are active any-more...

even clara and john are less visible...

sad, really...

yes. I quite understand you.

this is what bob was referring to with the sustainability thing.

''and enduring national structure''é.

yes.

join pauls group,

and come chat with us in a week or so

Stefan De Young: what does that entail?

seds: pauls project?

Stefan De Young: "joining the group"

seds: ya. again, it is only just starting up...

I hate to say it, but it might be somewhat similar to seds...

in terms of you having to define your own project...

only this time, instead of totally in-experienced people like the rest of the exec,

the people you will be working with will be highly experienced people like paul, and gary, and others.

where you want to be is at the table when the Canadian space organizations have their round table meeting at the summit.

-that- is where you feel like you are in the cradle, rocked by the hands of the masters...

it's a good feeling.

for my part, I suppose I should say that every now and again I can contact people like kirk kittell, melissa battler, and paul and others, and ask them for advice...

Stefan De Young: well, that's what I have you for, right?

seds: so I at least have -some- contact with my ''betters''

Stefan De Young: Mr. President

seds:

I do what I can

me: OK, Here's part of the eal.

ALL groups are in trouble right now.

seds: that's really my only defense... I may make mistakes, and do, but I am always trying my best...

hmmm?...

ok...

all groups are in trouble?

me: Volunteerism is at an all time low. Everyone is hurting, it seems that no one has time to do anything but feed themselves.

seds: ... keep talking, please!

me: The X is having a record low # of X apps, there is only a few volunteers, the X all but folded up, X is for all practical purposes down to the board, the X has little more than paid staff. every group seems to be in a "Hero centric" mode.

seds: HS. you serious?

me: Meaning there are only a very few people doing all of the work, and that is what the membership expects. Many of them don't even bother staying members. they just watch from the outside.

Some people drift in, do a little work, realize how tough their lives are and get back out.

It's not just space groups, it's all of them.

seds: examples?

me: Mostly what you see is people at one shot events, (Like conferences, although the X's have been steadily dwindling, last years was the lowest, the year before that was and so on.)

The other thing you see is that a person or group will actively participate in a single "Heroic" event, then they are off for a bit.

seds: is this unique to Canada, or is it international? do you know?

me: (The X as an example.) North America as far as I know, but I understand it may be world wide.

Stefan De Young: So how did we get here, and how do we get out? Do we need a hero to dig us an escape or what?

me: So, The real question, is how do you operate in that kind of an environment, right?

seds: ya...

me: We got here, well, I have my conspiracy theories, but between the crappy economy and TV, we were screwed from that alone.

seds: ...

hmmm...

me: As far as how do we get out? We don't

It won't get better until the economy get's better.

We learn how to work inside this new environment.

seds: you are taking a very pessimistic view... give us something more than that?

inspire us, please!

me: Not pessimistic, realistic.

seds: convince us that there is something we can do that will make everything better!

that is what we all want to believe, basically.

we are fighting for it...

me: The situation has turned to shit. BUT! We can still work with these new rules, and use them to our advantage and perhaps even win better than before!

Because the difference is in the peak.

seds: reality may be reality, but we have to have a vision of what is better, if we are to go about making it so.

Stefan De Young: The difference is in which peak?

The prizes that stand to be won?

How, when there is such a high activation energy do we ever hope to make lasting bonds?

me: In the "Old Days" people would have a certain peak level to which they were willing to volunteer to. They would go to meetings, once in a while a fund raiser or special event.

But a regular, low lever of effort.

NOW, The we get less overall effort, but the individual effort is far higher.

Stefan De Young: your classic "hero-centric" model

Sent at 1:14 AM on Friday

me: so we get a few people doing a great deal of work for a short while, (the Heroes) and they archive greater project victories than could be done before, but they burn them selves out in the process. (X and X for examples.)

seds: (note -this is precisely what I am trying to avoid, and may be precisely why you got no response from me for three weeks...)

this is not an excuse.

me: then you have some leader/heroes that can stay on for multiple of these huge push projects, and become the hero/leader core. even they burn out eventually though. (Mel as an example.) they don't always drop out completely, but change focus for a while.\

seds: I obviously should have made a greater efforté

.

so you believe that X is totally burned out?

sad...

Stefan De Young: No, a better question is, what are the new rules of engagement, Paul?

seds: sure

me: But you are right, Michael, you have to stay on board, so although you operate at a higher pace, you need to maintain a level that you can live with. That's what you did.

X isn't totally burned out, but her activities put a serious hurt on her life, and she needs to rebuild that. She'll be back.

New rules of engagement... That /IS/ the question.

seds: well, we will do what we can to encourage her recovery

convince her that she is not alone

and you, while we are at it...

do you consider yourself close to burning out?

rather personal question...

me: Simple, You either decide to become the hero leader, the hero worker, or the worker. There is nothing better or worse about any of them, they are all just different and all equally required. then from there, you pick the project that you feel is worthy of your time and run with it.

(and, Yes, I do, that's why I am only barely involved in the Engineering Team right now, and have all but completely left the US Mars Society. I am moving to other things for a while. But I still pay dues...

seds: interesting...

deja vu...

the same thing with the unicycling...

you hear about something amazing happening, and want to be part of it..

but by the time you get to it, the people who were doing it have done it, are moving on...

are ''burned out''...

so if you really want to be part of something amazing, you need to be there from the begining, slogging through all the hard work...

me: Then, as a leader, you develop smaller project chunks, put together a team of heroes and workers, blast out the project, collect any that survived, (And make sure all see how "Richly they are rewarded", Many heroes are just last cycles workers who wanted to get what they saw the last heroes getting.) and do it again, until the big project is finished.

seds: it's like the stock market.

if you wait until the stock is high to invest, you will loose your money.

it is all about buying in when something is low, then hoping (or working toward) making it higher...

me: This is why the Hero/leaders are so important now, because they keep the overall vision consistant, and that is vitally important.

The quickest way I know to blow an organization out is to have consistantly changing goals. Then no one feels like they are actually doing any thing important.

seds: an example of an organization with consistently changing goals?

Stefan De Young: SEDS Canada

me: The last X unit I was involved in.

MSC.

seds: you think all of our organizations have consistently changing goals?

me: they shouldn't.

seds: the goals seem pretty obvious to me...

msc is all about mars exploration research and outreach,

seds is about networking people and getting them involved in cool projects...

me: The thing that is right beside ever changing is stagnate goals, and it's that one that is affecting us X.

seds: the astronautic games are supo

me: See, neither of those are real goals.

(Mars research & outreach, Networking.)

Those aren't goals, they are processes.

seds: supposed to get everybody working together on -one- big project that encompasses all the others, and is interesting, and relevant...

me: A goal has a finish line. What is the finish line in"Outreach"?

seds: oh...

hold on -that's not fair...

by that definition, an organization -must- have constantly changing goals!

me: Then, develop that one big project. (Your games might be a good one.) and make every activity directly relate to achieving that goal, through your operational processes.

Sort of.

seds: otherwise it would exist for the time required to achieve the goal, and then it would fold!

Stefan De Young: Exactly

that's what we need

we need to get a goal that we can achieve

achieve it

me: Not constantly /changing/ goals, constantly /evolving/ goals.

Stefan De Young: then fold up and move on to the next goal

we have to achieve something before we start throwing ourselves at the next project

seds: ok. so the project of seds canada is to write the strategic plan.

me: and develop the next goal /in a logical next in line/ to the last goal

seds: and we are almost done (

Stefan De Young: that's a good project, unfortunately we've gotten mired down in it

seds: thank's in no small part to you, Stefan)

Stefan De Young: we don't know how to deal with paper, and we're spending too much time focusing on this one plan

seds: no, we have not got mired down in it.

we are producing something pretty darn awesome.

me: (Mired down is in the eye...)

Stefan De Young: meanwhile, we're not an organization because we're got no one to organise

SEDS is supposed to network, but all we are is a bunch of enthused executives

seds: you may not think so, but I think the only reason (or at least a major one) why shawna has been able to do what she is doing with the plan, is because of all the work we already put into it.

our effort stimulated her to put in her two dollars worth.

this comes down to presentation.

me: People, I should go to bed soon, I need to get up in five hours.

Stefan De Young: I love what she's written, Mike, but why has it taken six months to get our primary goals down on paper?

seds: I have been asking myself for two years now whether we should approach the other seds chapters before we have a website.

I have had this idea in my mind that they will not be interested in us unless we have a nice site, etc.

was I wrong?

should we begin broadcasting ourselves to the world?

what do we tell them?

Stefan De Young: But where would the content on the website come from if you have no one submitting it

We're not SEDS Canada until we have chapters

Paul talks about the hero centric volunteerism

we need to get people in if we want to get away from that

seds: paul is right... it is 1:30 in the morning...

me: you both have good points RE: plan and time...

Stefan De Young: we need to stop worrying about this one silly piece of paper and call up the people who pledged themselves fifteen years ago to find out where they are

seds: and in order to have chapters, you have to prove to them that it is worth their while to be a chapter of us.

in this sense, we are a business.

Stefan De Young: and this is coming from me: the man who draws endless plans to the exclusion of action

seds: their membership is what we want to get from them.

if they get nothing in return... well, we won't get their membership.

Stefan De Young: and they stand to gain an easily derailed executive body

I'm not a paragon of productivity, and it seems to me that none of us are

seds: so, you going to start calling up chapters?

Stefan De Young: therefore it stands to reason that we need more workers

seds: excellent

Stefan De Young: the saying is that many hands make light work

seds: I totally agree.

I actually sent out many e-mails about a week ago...

Stefan De Young: however, strategy dictates that each command level holds fewer members than the one below it

seds: I believe I sent you a copy of what I sent out...

Stefan De Young: we have an overstaffed executives executing nothing for no one

seds: strange...

I have a question for you.

at first I was director of chapters relations. I decided that what was most needed was a website,, to provide services to chapters.

seds: at least get a list of who our members -were-.

thank's paul.

Stefan De Young: alright, Paul, I will do so

seds: we are almost done...

then we got Nasim involved,

we saw how far the website was coming, we made Nasim director of chapters relations (I don't remember how many chapters i contacted...), and I became webmaster.

I did that for two years.

then they promoted me to president.

Nasim took on the summit...

so at this point, we have Nasim with the title of director of chapters relations, but not doing anything.

we need to shift that title to somebody else.

and I have my hands full keeping everybody together, because we -do-, despite your frustrations, have many people working on this.

so. it seems pretty obviously that you should be our director of chapters relations, if nothing else

Stefan De Young: they were right to promote you to president; you have boundless optimism and a talent for subtle delegation

seds: (you were only director of strategic planing because you took on the challenge of the strategic plan...

thanks

so, we will make you vp of chapters relations and recruitment, and get you to contact all those people out there!

me: That is an interesting point, In this new Hero centric world, when there are no Heroes, everything takes longer...

seds: ya. no kidding

it is sad though, that there seem to be only one level of heroes...

there are the masses, there are you and me...

and who else?

X and paul (who paul claims are both burned out)

and there is bob,

me: You can choose to be sad, or you can choose to accept the excitement oif the new environment and run with it.

seds: who we all feel is so high and mighty that we dare not speak to him for fear of bugging him...

me: And, I'm not actually burned, I just needed a change of project, but still keep up with the old one, I was trying to /keep/ from being burned out.

Stefan De Young: indeed

seds: for my part, I recognize that no matter how many people »I know, and how much paperwork I generate,

nothing will equal the thrill of working on my glider, getting it up in the air, then putting other people in it and getting -them- up in the air.

me: That is the end result of it all. What does it take to make your Soul sing?

seds: it is all about locaL development. act local, think local.

strange... that is a total contradiction of what we are discussing....

time for bed.

Stefan De Young: I agree

seds: there is logic in that last statement, but it will take too long to explain...

chat about it tomorrow

Stefan De Young: hm.

seds: night.

Stefan De Young: indeed

seds: phiew...

Another normal sunset.

Questions.

"Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to." We've heard that a million times, but also;
Don't ask a question you don't want to answer yourself...

Looks like not.

I stopped by my friend Paul's house, There was fine cognac involved. I'll write it tomorrow.

I'm very bummed that Richard Sylvan MD. Passed...

Some continuing thoughts.

Gary was right, (Sort of.) I'm a dumb ass...


I was talking to my good friend Gary about my last post and he disagreed with me. His arguments were many, but one was along the lines of "If you love something, you should protect it from harm." This was in response to my thought of, "If they leave, Let them go, because they think they found something better. (And by extension, if you really love them, you would want them to have the best, no matter who that is.)
His response was "what if they aren't better?"
I said "Then you welcome them back with open arms."
He called bullshit, claiming that you should protect them.
True, but I couldn't think of a reasonable response at the time. so I let it go.
But. I've been thinking about it, and I still stand behind my original premise.
Why?
Well, I'm glad you asked. It goes like this.
You don't know. That's it, really. You don't know if the other person is better or worse, and, after you have discounted the obvious failures like alcoholics, drug addicts and lawyers, you really can't tell. So, you just have to let them find out on their own. Now obviously you think you are better than everyone, (Not if you are honest with yourself, but I digress.) but it's really a mattter of who is better for her not better overall.
And only she can tell.
And yes, perhaps there will be pain. That's part of life. You try to protect those you love from pain, but there is plain sometimes when you cant. Pain is just part of life. Pain is an integral part of growth.
That's just the way it is.
So, If you want them to grow, and not completely isolate them, you need to let them experience life, and part of that is making their own decisions. Some of those decisions will be wrong. Sometimes neither of you will see them until it's too late. (Because you are making mistakes and poor decisions of your own, and hopefully listening to her when she's right.) Those wrong decisions will cause pain.
So the answer is simple. You counsel them when asked, train and teach them when asked, and let them make their own decisions. That's all you can do. Now you can lay down some ground rules, and you must stick to them or it will burn you later, so make sure they are well thought out and reflective of your core beliefs. For example, I don't mind if mine wants to try elsewhere, but I want to know about it before hand, because I've told her that there are some people that I will never take her back from. Some for health reasons, some because psychologically I couldn't tolerate it. This is something that I must be inflexible on. Anything else would be destructive to my psyche. But, I have really thought this out, played out scenarios in my mind, and not with some nameless "Her" but, really her. It was what I had to do.
The end result is the same, If you love them, you have to let them find out what is best for them. (You also have to be aware of what is best for you.)
Besides, I really don't want someone who is with me because they feel trapped. Like they have to stay with me because I trapped them into wearing a ring or something equally stupid. I don't want them constantly looking around and thinking, "I wonder if I should have gone with him instead." I want them to stay with me because they honestly like me, because they honestly think I am the best thing that ever happened to them. It is only that kind of certainly that will create the kind of open, sharing, complete love that I need in a relationship. That is what I offer in a relationship, so that is what I expect.
Nothing less will do.
That's another of the "Just the way it is."'s I won't settle for less. I did that twice. Never again.

I have some more notes from a very interesting chat today about culture and what defines culture and a touch of religion, but this is long and will stand on it's own. I think I'll go home and finish that there. If you're lucky you'll see it yet tonight. Perhaps there'll be more good discussion about this as well...

Another new leaf.

I've gotten into twitter. If you want to know what I'm doing day to day and occasionally minute to minute, this is it.

I am trying to get my shit together. I realize that Time management is killing me.
Reading these blog posts are helping me. You should read them too.

I am also seeing a trend in some bloggers, to where they will just blog a paragraph or two, and don't need to blog a multi-page novella. They also blog some fairly self-serving things. (I don't know why I considered that wrong, after all, it is my blog.) So you will start seeing some of that.
(In that realm, I am going to start to build Habs for people. If you want one, let me know. I have a team, including a real licensed (Why do I have such a hard time spelling that word?) professional builder, and several of the Engineering Team to help. These will be extremely energy efficient, and could be self-sufficient. Next stage will be extremely energy efficient appliances and building techniques. The overall idea is to reduce the cost of living. Someday I'll add transportation to that. I've been wanting to build electric and hybrids for a long time, like 26 years now.)

I'm also going to use this to time stamp some of my ideas, because I am ever so sick and tired of inventing so fracking many things and never getting any credit for them. I find it perpetually maddening that I've thought of so much, but for lack of financing or whatever can never develop them to market, and then loose the idea to someone else.

For example, I have ideas in the form of robotic controls using VR tech, but in real life, or a method for "transmitting" smell over a wire, (Really a way of synthetically creating smells controlled by a piece of software.) or a way of storing H2 cheaply, or a way of doing VR SO much better than it is being done now. I need to check with someone to see just how much information I could leave here.

And I have a bunch of pictures. I think I will not post too many here, but from the phone camera (I need to get a better one.) I'll leave the pictures on Facebook.

I also still feel like I need to censor this blog, so I will create another one that I won't drop so much personally identifiable information, but I actually will say anything and everything I feel. That is where the real me will live. You'll have to find it on your own.

Lastly, I'll start throwing out some of the less controversial or illegal thoughts here.

For example, I am starting to hate people in general, with very few exceptions. I saw something on TV a while ago, and it really made me hurt. It was a bit of video of someone crying. An adult. That made me hurt on so many levels. It made me cry because what whas making him cry was caused by another person. I couldn't understand what was going on in the offending person's head to cause them to make someone else that much suffering. "Why?" I thought, "What could be driving you so that you would want to cause someone that much suffering that they would cry on TV?" People like that should not be allowed to live. Life is too short, rare or not, to allow this kind of suffering. What kind of a cruel fuck could do this to someone else?

It also made me think, Some times you don't have a choice. It makes me wonder about personal interaction. Now, in this case, the evil fuck's intentions were just that, evil, he intended to cause harm for power selfish, greedy reasons. but what about the other reason for that kind of suffering? What about Love? It is one thing to curb selfish desires. There is nothing positive that can come from that, but what about Love? I can't love everyone, well, not like that. And, the one who loves me, but I do not love will suffer. What can be done about that? I don't know. But it certainly adds force to my feeling that I can, and do love many. I never have understood the need for people to only love one other. I think it mostly comes from insecurity, a lack of self-esteem, and when we know who we are, and truly accept who we are, and love ourselves, and don't depend on the love of another we won't feel the need to try to "Keep what we have". Once we are past that, we can truly Love without inhibition, and without fear. If she leaves me? So? I obviously wasn't what she needed. To try to "Keep her" is nothing but a pitiful attempt to force my will on her, and means that I don't truly love her. If I did, I would want the best for her. Even if that best wasn't me. So, I guess the "If you love it, set it free" is indeed true. The next logical extension from that is the complete lack of jealousy. If I was jealous, that would mean that I was fearful that the other she is with might be better than me, and then, she would see that and go on to them. OK, So what. If they are better for her, (and I need to add that for me, because I can't say that they are better than me everywhere.) then I would want her to go to them, or I don't really have their best interests at heart, and I don't really love them. This same thought process also means that I shouldn't mind sharing. Now, I have some issues with sharing for various medical and biological issues. (For one thing, if their is a child, who's is it? I know, we could test, but that's a pain, and expensive, and so on.) I understand I might be flawed in my thinking here, and I invite open even anonymous comments on this topic, but I do think I am heading in the right direction.

All of that sounds hilarious coming from me, considering I am the king of self-loathing, but I guess I had a RAH inspired moment of clarity. Perhaps if we all could understand that, life would be simpler? Probably not. People aren't that smart, they are too driven by there basal feelings, and it is easier to stay there. (Read "Time enough for love" some time.)

It also made me hate some people even more. Those who enjoy the suffering of others, those who plan to take advantage of others, those who willingly cause the suffering or others. I do not understand them, and I hope to never become one of them. It's tough sometimes. (Read the post from the other blog. And when I start it, I've just given you enough to find it.)

I think that's enough for now. Probably too much.

NEVER BOOK WITH EXPEDIA! NEVER! Never fly "Jet Airways" either.

I just had a most horrid experience. I had to change a flight for a friend.

There was a mistake made in booking. (I still contend it's the websites fault.) and a flight was 24 hours late. So, she followed their instructions and e-mailed them. Time passes, no reply.

Then, the next day, she calls them, Spends four hours in various stages of being on hold or being cut off. Then she asks me to help. I call, spend 20 minutes on hold, get cut off. Call back. Then guess what?

I SPEND THREE AND A HALF HOURS ON HOLD!!!

I am not joking, three and a half hours. And during that wait time, (I know because I checked early in the time, looking to just cancel the ticket I was so pissed off at these people.) guess what?

Yup THE FARE WENT UP! Over $90!

And to make matters even worse, Jet Airways (An Indian company) doesn't charge the usual $100 change fee, no, they charge $200! (I think change fee's are unconscionable, but I'm not an airline.)

So, now they were telling me that it was going to cost over $320 more with extra taxes, fees, etc.

Needless to say I was NOT happy, I complain, there were ”outdoor” voices used. (On both sides of the phone. This is funny, because I was just complimented on my ability to curtail my temper!) Now I am told that that is just the way it is. I refuse to accept that, especially since between the two of us, we had spent something around 8 hours on hold!

I demand to speak to the higher level. (There is always a higher level...) I am told the best that could happen is this manager would contact “Customer Service” and they would get a hold of me in 24-48 hours. It was also suggested several times in these conversations that I contact Jet Airways. I tell the manager to have customer service contact me and we hang up.

Then I call Jet Airways. Their US number is closed, BUT there is an Indian number. I call them.

(Funny note, Turns out they both go to the same place,. So, why would they close the number, because the call center was open?)

Basically I hear three human recorded messages, (Three different people reading the exact same script) and they are all saying that because of the very cheap fare and low grade of ticket that Expedia.ca booked, Only Expedia can fix it.

I realize this is a .25 a minute waste of time, so I wait until the next day to call the other number and see what I can do.

And I get a manager who repeats the same message, but he tells me to call back on Monday, and he'll check. I call back on Monday and he is working a different shift. I call back during his shift, and he's not available. And he's not available, And he's on a different shift again.

Forget it.

I call Expedia on Tuesday. Another 60 minutes before I get to someone who can actually do something about it, and what do they do? Say “Well, Sorry, we are having a lot of calls, and this is our busy time, and you really should have looked.”

Right, that's great customer service. First off, if it's their busy season, HIRE MORE PEOPLE! And perhaps I should have looked, but their website was so convoluted for a trip of this complexity, that mistakes can occur. I agree to pay the change fare, if they will pay the fare difference, because obviously that was their fault that we had to wait so unacceptably long for them. Knowing that he had us nailed down, (Because we really had no choice, $1400 is too much to throw away.) he just says “No, You have to pay it all. That's just the way it is.”

Nice customer service.

So, I end up paying it all.

And I will never fly with JetAirways again, Nor will I ever book a flight with Expedia again, and I can not tell you how strongly I suggest you never do either.

I would have been much cheaper to book it with the Travel agent, (the one I like so much.) and she would have solved this problem. And I never would have to waste what amounts to two working days on the problem.

Oops and Privacy.

As some of you might know, there was some kind of special book release this last weekend. For some unknown reason a great number of people were excited about it. I guess I need to try to find out who this "Harry Potter" is, and why he is so important. (I know, I know, unnecessary use of a search term...) The publishers were apparently trying to keep it all very secret. - And someone decided that they wanted to share. This was a bad thing for many reasons, but very bad for them because apparently they shared a bit too much.

Now, in this case that's probably a good thing, because these people did wrong, BUT it makes you think about others kinds of traces and fingerprints you might be leaving.

Just something to think about. I'll let you draw whatever conclusion you want.

Sorry, It's been too long...

Long story short, There has been some real shit here, and I really can't write about it yet, but I might soon.

In the mean time, my FMARS travel agent recently asked me what it was like. Someone else (Mel) who saw my answer really liked it and said that I should post it here. So, This was my answer. (She is really good, BTW, and if you are thinking you need someone, she's worth a call.

Maria Spiers
Accent Travel/American Express
512-338-2835
800-444-5634
512-338-2813-Fax
www.accent-travel.com )

Amazing. The 24Hr daylight was wild, I have video of things you would not believe ("Snow Devils" hovering over the road, Adiabatic winds moving snow almost organically, And then there is the hab.) They [the inuk] are a whole different people with a very no nonsense way of looking at things. Either you survive or you don't, and that is a real worry there. A special kind of art and a beauty that only exists there, and is difficult to describe. A people used to having nothing, and using every scrap of it. A hard people used to real hardships, and yet, they are still a happy people willing to extend a hand in friendship or in aid...
Of course, I was there to work, and work I did. not having a darkness, We would sometimes work very late, forgetting the time, only to wake up early the next morning to do it again.

We got a great deal done, and had a great time doing it...

[Of course there is much more to it, But I'll save that for later. Ask me in person if you really want to know.]

In the footsteps of another friend, Here are a couple things I read recently that I thought were interesting.

http://www.space.com/spacewatch/070720_ns_eclipse.html
Just before the Mars Society conference? Coincidence? I think not...

Perhaps one of the more insidious degradations of our privacy from an unsuspected source.


And just plain funny, Even if it's not supposed to be a secured system, Who is taking care of this crap?

I'm trying out for this, We'll see how it goes...

Hopefully more later.

A quick correction!

In the blog entry entitled Just another 'Paul Adventure'
I wrote "Gary's place. Gary is cool, and has three separate beds made for us, and after taking turns in the shower, we each retire to our beds."

I should point out that It's also Nancy's place (Since they are married), and Nancy is every bit as cool as Gary, and Nancy washed the sheets to help make the beds among other things, so Nancy deserves lots of Cool Credit points too!

I have readers?

Thank you to those who told me you were reading! I really appreciate it!

Just another 'Paul Adventure'

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What the hell...

Just WTF...

This has been – Interesting, A time of great failure followed by stunning success.

OK, You probably want to know what the hell I'm talking about. Well as I start to wrote this I'm at 39000 on the way from Denver to Washington to well, Eventually Devon Island and FMARS. From there I'll spend two weeks at FMARS doing the best we can with what we have in the harshest conditions imaginable. In other words Same as usual...

So, Whats made this day so strange? Well, it started last week.

I finally got the Hanksville tower up and tensioned. That should have gone fine, but I had a TBM (Transient Blonde Moment) and cut the top lever (the torque arm if you're paying attention) guy lines a bit short, well about 25 feet short, well exactly the same as the third level... (Note to self, when doing mission critical math or cutting have someone else check your work.) That sucked, and I ended up having to haul four cables all the way to the top, all at once, clipped to my harness. Talk about the ultimate dyno move, for 115 feet. It was near my full load capacity, and every step brought another four feet of cable weight I had to carry. Then I had to unload them, one at a time, without dropping any of the important parts. (Another note to self. Do NOT drop a guy line onto another guy line of a tower you are working on if you even pretend to be motion sick or are skittish at heights. Good thing I'm not.) Replace as many of the short ones as I could (four) all by my self, (because I needed Casey and Don to handle the bottoms of the cables.) all the while paying a crane some insane hourly to watch my silly ass play monkey.

Fun.

Let's not do that again. Ever.

So, As I digress I'm on this plane. And, Oh, I forgot (not really) I also had to get a geotechnical survey and analysis done on the Texas Hill site, So, I had Melissa Battler (MSC president and good friend) in to do that. (I'd rather pay someone I know, who I know will do a great job for reasons other than purely financial than just some dude off the street who could just care less.) SO, Here I am, Entertaining Melissa (Read, working our buts off) Preparing for this trip, Helping the guys who came in from UND with a real pressurized surface suit, helping with the current crew, doing my usual duties with the Mars Society, planning the last second details of this trip, and doing my real day job, you know, silly things like putting up a toer and getting one ready to take down and shipped up here...

Just the usual, but with that many, at least one item slipped. Well, You may have noticed that I didn't mention sleep. There was very little of that. In fact, as I started writing this, I am working on literally 2 hours sleep, with an hour and a half the night before, and four the night before that! (uuuummmmaaaahhh What was I saying? What were you saying? Were we talking? Who are you?)

So, Melisa was originally scheduled to leave Saturday so that she could be with her family for Easter. What ended up happening was that, because the very raw engineer assistant for the foundation engineer wanted something more that Melissa normally has to give, she decided to stay over on Saturday and re-dig one of the holes and get even bigger samples. Because of this she ended up staying on until Monday.

This is only slightly weird because I had put in my passport app right as we got the tickets, about six weeks before the trip. The website was claiming four week turn around. They lied, it was more like eight. I wasn't going to get my passport in time. SO, I had to go to Denver to get it, the day before I was to leave. This means that I was going to take Melissa to Grand Junction (If I fly some one in, I do it right.) then keep on driving down to Denver so that I an make my passport appointment (Funny considering that she is flying to Denver, but I still digress...) And as usual, the typical Paul adventures. Wake up an hour earlier than I need, get Casey ready, pack, and

EERRRP, Helm, all stop.

“Paul, Can you come over to the Community center, we need to have a quick meeting to make sure everything is alright with the project before you go.” (My loose paraphrase.) “Uh, OK” Delay.

Bob, The annoying but slightly knowledgeable neighbor comes over, with questions, issues, and general bitches about the project. More delay.

Don has family emergency, needs to leave for a few days. Yet more delay.

Telephone – Mom Insurance. Telephone – James order, Telephone - Customer something meaningless – Good bye, IM - Crew, “We need something (Like water) Can you help us?”, Ridiculous delay.

“DAMNIT PEOPLE, Can't you just leave me alone!” Finally I just throw all of my shit in the Aerostar and full tilt boogie to the airport, via the gas station. (Aerostar likes gas for 2+ hour trips.) and the Pay at the Pump's not working, and the guy inside's new and doesn't know to turn the pump on for me, so I have to go inside, and then he doesn't know how to run the CC machine. Painfuly frustrating delay.

Long story short (I know, Too late) while blazing up to the airport at 95 Mph (The governor speed.) I do the math and decide that we aren't going to make it and start calling the airline. They tell me that for another hundred bucks, I can get her on a flight from Grand Junction in the afternoon the next day, (Screwing her for helping her mom do food prep for the FMARS mission. Did I mention that Melissa is also the FMARS commander, so getting her to help is a real favor!), or I can take her to Denver, and get her on a morning flight for $360...

I am not amused, especially knowing that she is going from GJT to DEN then to Toronto. WTF! No, Just F! After a bit of whining, being frustrated, and general heartburn, I realize that I am no where near the serenity that I so desired. So I stop while on hold with the reservations supervisor, and start to focus on Serenity. (Let it wash over you , none of this matters, reach out, grab it, hug it, make it your own, absorb it and let it pass...) The supervisor starts to tell me how I am just going to have to deal with the situation, and I am preparing to give them the $360 when she tells me that her plane is going to be delayed to the point that she will miss her connection and I get to take her to Denver, and deliver her to the airport at 1000, no charge...

Nice. Sometimes you win.

After a quick stop at the Green River junk yard, I grab the remaining parts for my wipers, (My wipers have been mostly bad for a year, and very bad, like the motor is gone, for a month.) and we blaze with the idea in our heads that we can make Hanging lake before dark. With the prospect of a nice adventure on our minds, and some great Ben and Jerry's (I now love “Half Baked”more than any other...) in our bellies, and a song in our hearts, (OK, it was more like jams from Mel's laptop with her and Casey picking the playlist...) we press on, marveling at the storm that is surrounding us and looking for adventure!

ROAD TRIP!

It was a little scary as we drove nicking the storm, because I only got the parts. I didn't get to install them. And with the drops splattering the windshield, visibility diminished, but never enough to make me stop. After a while it subsides and we are no longer worried, but the idea of getting to Hanging Lake before it gets dark are slowly fading. (Pun intended, Sorry.) We decide that no matter what, we are going to see a waterfall tonight, and will hike up to the lake even after dark.

It was a blast. The hike was hard, but not hugely so, and I was hampered by my sick gut, but we all had a great time. The waterfall was spectacular even by LED headlamp. Taking pictures was tough, but worth it. On the way down, Casey notices a flash, and I think nothing of it, because I could see an airplane's strobe flaring in the clouds. Then we could hear the thunder. “Oh Shit” we all say nearly simultaneously. Down we go, scrambling down the dangerous trail as fast as we can, afraid what might happen if it starts raining and the small stream turns into a storm filled river. Half way down it starts hailing/sleeting . More fun...

“Mel” I call, soaked from the knees down, hair wet, and starting to get cold, “This was really kind of stupid, but I'm really glad we did it.”

And we ran down the trail.

Once we get to the bottom, we change some clothes and continue on to Vail where I stop in the Lionshead parking garage to show off some art work I helped with some 16 years ago (“Clip man “ in case you are wondering.) and we still continue, even though we still don't have wipers, and the passes have the chain laws in effect. This means that the snow/ice is so bad that they won't let commercial vehicles on the pass without chains mounted. It means the roads are a real mess, downright slippery/scary. It means that you are about to have a slow, scary trip. It was hairy, but we make it to our final destination. Gary's place. Gary is cool, and has three separate beds made for us, and after taking turns in the shower, we each retire to our beds. I take the last shower and finally fall into my trundle bed at 0430. we get up at 0600 to get Mel to the airport in time, me dragging ass like sandpaper.

I think I'll stop for now, and continue the rest later. I'm having a real tough time keeping my eyes open, actually nodding as I type....

FMARS Party!

(Coors - "Toss the feathers")
So the last 36 hours were pretty cool. I got a shitload done on some personal projects. (Namely I got the spindle off my minivan, and FINALLY! I got a throttle cable for my truck-Jack, andit fits and works! I can't remember the last time this has happened!) I was more than a bit sore about something I read in someones writing. It's not her fault but what she wrote leads me to think that either she lied to me, or has had a change of position. And of course I can't ask her about it. It really doesn't matter. It is now, and must forever remain unrequited. I just want to cry thinking about it. So much for the bull shit thinking I had gotten over her. I won't say much or who, because I think she might read this. I know, I had promised to never censor my speech, but I really do care for her, and I absolutely never want to do anything to hurt her. Even though it is probably just the fantasy of her that I am deeply in love with rather than actually who she is, I still love her as much as I ever have loved anyone else, even my ex. Every time I see her it hurts, Like being stabbed in the soul... Shit, I am such an emotional basket case in these regards.
(Steven Collins, "When Will I be Loved")
Anyways, I might have the love of another. She is a very special woman. Very smart (and you know how important that is to me) and Extraordinarily hot. A pleasure to talk to and to look at, What more could I want? More on this to follow - I hope. I bet I have competition. No, I know I do.
After I got my stuff taken care of, I was invited to the FMARS crew "Decompression Party" It was a great time starting with an unannounced put previously planned fire-drill. Hey, The Commander ordered me to do it! And not tell her! I think she's going to do OK. I brought more booze for the party, so I was basically forgiven. The party was basically watching some extreme cold weather videos drinking some good booze, and laughing, talking, telling jokes, there was a short but intense wrestling match (The Commander won, bit the other competitor didn't really loose either.) and an aborted attempt at dancing. I have some footage. I was pressed into service as the drinkmaster because of two good ones that I came up with. They're really already know, (One Is called a copper something, Butterscotch schnapps and an Irish creme whisky, like Baileys. the other was lime PowerAde and coconut rum.) It was fun. I like it when pretty woman come up to me looking for a drink. Nice switch.
I accidentally hurt two people, It makes me so sad. I am actually really upset, because both of them were preventable accidents, and I really like both of people involved. When I found out, I couldn't even express my horror over what I had done... Shit - I can be a clumsy unthinking oaf at times.
(Five for Fighting, "100 Years." I really need to flesh that story out.)
There was also some very good behind the scenes political action going on. This is a good thing. I really need to, and surprising for those who don't know me, and not at all for those who do, really want to mend fences with Shannon. She seems to think that we are competition, and that's just plain not true. Engineering in support of Science. it's just that simple. But, She seems to think that Engineering is subservient to Science, and that's just not true either. Without Engineering, the Science is dead, and at FMARS, that might be quite literally. I just wish she'd stop micromanaging, stay in her yard, and stop pissing my people off! Enough of that. I could actually like her given the right conditions.

I drove home and some unholy hour, was asleep before I walked in the door, and the alarm seemed to go off 30 seconds later. While I was in church, I started to get a headache. I don't think it was a hang over, I didn't drink that much, I was plenty hydrated, and I took a half dozen aspirin just in case. If I had to guess it was a blood sugar thing because it went away about an hour after I got back from Church and had breakfast. Today, other than that, was a mostly wasted day, but aren't Sundays supposed to be?
(Coldplay - "Clocks" If I let myself, this song will make me cry every time... I wonder why?)
Oh, I started seasoning the wok that James brought for me. It is way cool, Thank you James! I scrambled some eggs in it. For some reason, my usual breakfast mix of eggs, potatoes onions and beef sausage (I don't eat pork) seems to do a great job of seasoning a pan. I'll try more tomorrow. I have my cast iron skillet damn near to perfection. It is basically non-stick as it sits. I want to get this open pored steel hand hammered wok the same way.

It's late, I think I wrote enough, Time to write something for private consumption. I hope she likes it...
(Telepopmusik - "Breath" Yes it's been a real mellow music night. Tomorrow will be a MUCH harder night, I'm going to try to put WFH ch9 to bed...)
2311 - Hanksville, Utah. chilly

A new visitor?

I am starting to write again, and in Preparation for FMARS, I am going to start writing more often, even if it's just short posts like this one.

FYI, This new attitude is also inspired by a friend whom I love dearly, but sadly, can not express how I feel to them.

So, I had a new visitor today. I was working in my trailer and noticed a noise. Looking back I found a bird had climbed in the small hole in my door and was now flying around. It took me five minutes to catch it. After I finally caught it I showed it to Connie and Kristy. We were bummed that the children weren't around.
We let the bird go.

Guess its just another day.